A New Way to Clean Up

DM waited for the call to be picked up. He knew that more than 2 rings meant that Kasam was outside somewhere.

“Hi bro, long time,” the well-muscled man on the other end of the video call in all black said.

“Are you at a McDonald’s?” DM asked, squinting.

“Yeah, cheat day,” Kasam said, smiling with all his teeth while holding up a double burger.

“I quit McDs a while ago,” DM said proudly.

“Can’t beat a Big Mac here in Jersey,” Kasam replied, shrugging and biting into the burger.

“Hey are you Drake,” a fat white lady asked, peering at Kasam and then into the video call at DM.

“Uh, no,” Kasam said, rolling his eyes.

“Can you sign my underwear?” the lady insisted.

“No.”

“Just the lining. I won’t take it off.”

“No lady, I’m not Drake and I’m not signing anything,” Kasam said, glaring at the woman.

DM watched from the phone as the woman shuffled away.

“So what’s new there?” he asked once the lady had closed the McCafe door behind her, middle finger up in the air so it could be seen even through the glass. “Besides whatever the fuck that was.”

“Same shit, people paying cops for cock. You?”

“Heading over to Toronto to see your brother. He said he wants to see me and Kayo for some urgent reason.”

“Fuck Kayo coming to Toronto? I thought he stayed put in Vancouver.”

“He actually stays put mostly in Kerala. But flies to Van once a year. So he said he’s stop over on the way.”

“Shit, dude is in Kerala wearing lungis?”

“Man, you don’t know the half of it. He rides his motorcycle in a pink lungi.”

“What the absolute fuck-“

“Wait, man, what the hell is that?” DM exclaimed.

“What?”

“Can you see that guy behind you? He’s waving a gun.”

“Oh,” Kasam said, looking back for a second. “Yeah, I think he’s making a Snap or some shit.”

“Why does he keep pointing the gun up and then putting it in his pants?”

“Must be some new trend.”

“You’re really cavalier about this shit. What if he starts shooting?”

“Well this isn’t a school and I don’t think this is the target audience for that kind of thing.”

As he said this, Kasam swivelled the camera of the phone to show depressed useless types sitting at various tables in the restaurant. DM could not see all of them, but noted that 40% of them had their heads down and 90% had extremely high BMI.

“So you’re not going to leave?”

“Why? I wanna finish my burger and fries. No Coke of course. Carbs.”

“Of course.”

Suddenly 3 McDonalds staff walked into the screen behind Kasam, surrounding the man waving the gun. The staff all looked nothing like the usual checkout people. They all wore black track pants and gym shirts with the giant Golden Arches on the back with a cleaning bucket graphic.

“Hey man, keep the video on those people,” DM said. “This is some weird ass shit.”

“Sir, SIR,” the staff with a greasy ponytail said, “We saw you posting to SnapChat and had to come by right away.”

“Watchu niggas want?” the white guy with the gun said to the three white staff.

“You can keep posting to Snap sir,” the one with a crew cut said, “But we need to change one thing.”

“What that?”

“You underwear, sir, is visible in the Snap video,” the bald one said. “We can’t have the McDonald’s brand associated with skid marks.”

“Fuck you niggas hatin’ on my boxers for?”

“They’re briefs,” the crew cut one said.

“Boxer briefs,” the man with the gun said, taking his voice down from a shout to a loud exclamation.

“Whatever they are, we can’t have your dirty anus in social media at this establishment,” the ponytail one said.

“You niggas kicking me out?”

“No we have to do something else since you’ve already posted to Snap,” said the bald one. “We need to show we’ve taken action.”

Before the man had time to react, Ponytail grabbed his arm with the gun and wrenched back so that said gun clanked onto the floor. Crew Cut meanwhile grabbed the other arm, rendering the man their prisoner. Ponytail wrenched the arm so that the man doubled over at his table, his face sideways on the tabletop, pressing against a the remainder of his chicken nuggets.

Baldy meanwhile had yanked the man’s pants down, showing DM and the restaurant the offending skid marks. He then yanked down the boxer briefs so that everyone could now see a white arse with some brown stains on it.

“You fucking fags!” the man screamed.

Baldy did not lose a step as he brought out a bucket and sponge, and went to work cleaning the stained bottom. It was now that DM and Kasam both noticed that he was wearing black disposable gloves unlike the other two.

The whole thing was over in less than a minute. The other two staff let go of the man as soon as Baldy finished up with one last deft wipe. Ponytail emptied the gun of bullets and put it on the table. Crew Cut took the man’s phone and made sure to take video of the now-clean bum before holding a thumbs up in front of the camera and then finally putting said phone on the table.

The three walked away silently with the man sitting at the table with a bewildered expression that can only come from someone who had expected to be raped, only to have his nether regions washed. The restaurant, which had been buzzing with conversation a couple of minutes ago, was dead silent.

“That was some weird shit,” DM said.

“I’d heard that McDonald’s had put this policy in place,” Kasam said.

“What kind of fucking place needs a policy like that?”

“Welcome to America bro.”