What a Lovely Tea Party

DM was feeling regret already. He had been watching YouTube videos by a Japanese woman on how to carefully invite guests that balance each other’s energies when planning a dinner party.

He had not done this. DM had instead invited over a couple, and also his high school friend Kamal who was single, which does not necessarily mean anything bad, except in the case of Kamal – suspected John who likely hired sex workers for a cuddle (how sad) and also suspected man who masturbated while eating biryani burritos.

Yejiwa Onomosama would have frowned at such a calamitous mix of energies.

His friend Kayo had already made a bet that Kamal would eat 50% of the food put on the table and upset everyone else by talking about his reward card points scams. Kayo was of course feeling in a betting mood since his Sports365 bets had done so well.

DM did a controlled exhale that he had learned in his meditation app as he finished setting the table. White tablecloth, magenta napkins and red plates with nice silverware out. Everything on the table made sense for the couple, but not for Kamal, for whom a cardboard box and a bowl of hand washing water would have sufficed given his eating habits.

Petting the dog who faithfully sat on its haunches next to him, he thought again about the deadly combination he had put together for the night.

DM listened to his son dribbling upstairs as he smelt the spaghetti his wife was making. He could feel himself relax.

The doorbell rang and he walked over to answer it. It was obviously their couple friends, who brought with them a bundt cake for dessert. DM informed the couple about how he and his wife did not eat sugar, but would make an exception for the night. It was from the new French-Swiss bakery in Business Bay. Real Swiss chef and everything.

They discussed Swiss pastry making and Expo 2020 as they sat down, just as DM’s wife Charo brought over the spaghetti. DM called to his son to come downstairs.

It was a few minutes in when Charo was telling the couple about how they had switched to a largely pescatarian diet when the doorbell rang again and DM sighed.

Before he could get up, the door opened, reminding him of school times when all the doors were left open in the building and children from various flats ran through each one.

“Ho ho,” it was of course, Kamal, walking in with a black jacket over his black t-shirt and jeans, trying hard to hide his girth as he walked into the living room sideways through the passageway.

“What’s that?” DM interrogated him right away, knowing from past experience that it was best to do so instead of letting things go.

“Brownie cake bro,” Kamal said, putting down a very large box on the side table with a smile on his face like a cat who had cornered a mouse.

He does have us cornered and we now have to eat that cake with him, DM thought. Well, they were going to have the nice Swiss cake anyway, so may as well try this travesty as well. He was sure he would likely have a bite and then send it home with Kamal.

“I brought my girlfriend, ho ho,” Kamal said.

“Who?” DM asked in disbelief. Kamal had not dated anyone in 20 years. There was an attempt on DM’s cousin, which of course was for nought since the latter did not want a depressed fatass who was forever going on about scamming ‘the system,’ whatever that was.

“Everyone, this is Sally,” Kamal said, going back to the passageway. He came back with a blow-up doll that was wearing a pleather mini skirt and halter top.

DM felt like someone had dropped a weight in his lap that made him sink into his chair.

Kamal nonchalantly walked over to the table with the dummy and sat it in the chair next to one of the couple, who was, similar to DM and Charo, horrified. DM was not sure because Kamal was mumbling in his weird way, but he may have asked the woman if she and her husband were swingers. By the reaction on the woman, DM became quite sure that this was what was asked.

He gripped the table and glanced at Charo, who was looking at him wide-eyed. As DM wondered where his son would sit when he finally came down to dinner since there was a sex doll sitting in his seat – and also how he would explain this situation to the 9-year-old – his eyes wandered back to the area opposite the table where Kamal was caressing the sex doll’s back.

“Ohohoho baby, you’re so naughty,” Kamal seemed to be saying as he leaned in to the doll’s face and back, “Not in front of all these people.”

The last thing DM remembered before he blacked out and apparently called the police was Kamal putting his hand on the back of the sex doll’s head and pushing its face into his lap as a woman screamed.

The Reason for Rising COVID Rates in the West

It was all supposed to subside nicely once everyone got their two vaccine shots. COVID was supposed to be history by the autumn of 2021 (in the west).

People were ready to live again, whether lying sideways the same as during COVID watching Disney+, or clubbing and glory-holing in packed truck stop bathrooms.

However, something was rotten in Denmark, as well as other western countries. COVID came back with a vengeance, particularly all across Europe. Of all places, even Russia, the manufacturer of one of the prime vaccines in the world, saw rising COVID cases.

These countries all saw things even out as the Delta variant hit Asia. Now, as south Asians were having masala dosa in 100-person gatherings, places like Italy were facing larger deaths across the board.

There were scientists that cited the colder climes of these western countries leading to more exposure in indoor settings.

This is all a bunch of toasted oats. Rainbow Kandura, though a dirty humour rag, is the one that is going to bust the cap off the mystery of the rising western COVID rates.

Said rising rates are the cause of one simple thing – the fact that westerners do not wash their asses after making kaka.

Shocking, yes, but follow the brown trail of evidence.

In the west, as popularized in Hollywood, people do not wash their hams after pooping. They simply wipe and walk. Additionally, westerners do not believe in washing their mouths after eating, or their feet and faces after coming in from the outdoors. Even washing hands took a world pandemic to achieve.

How does this link to COVID? Well, dear reader, when shit is only wiped, there is a chance that some remains on the posterior. These remnants are sometimes called dingleberries. Only a man of great imagination and iron stomach can fathom the experience of tossing a salad in the west.

Coming back to the subject, we need to imagine what happens when a backside of this sort is made ready for the injection. People may say that the injection is given on the shoulder rather than the arse; however, unless we look inside each vaccination booth, who really knows?

Anyway, if we were to imagine the needle coming closer to the cheeks, we need to also imagine the result of if some faeces were on said cheek. The needle would go into the kaka instead of the bum, making the shit rather than the person whose cheek it is on resistant to the virus.

It is these people with weak bodies and COVID-resistant turds that are causing the rising rates.

If we do the calculation, even if 5% of a population have these dingleberried anuses at vaccination, the infection rates will skyrocket, particularly in the cold season where people head indoors as mentioned earlier in this research.

Perhaps the best proof of this theory is the difference in COVID rates between British Columbia and Ontario in Canada – the former is rising whereas the latter is falling though the latter has a larger population. In the same country with access to the same vaccines, the difference between the two provinces is that Ontario is the one where Asians and Africans (those that wash their hames) immigrate. British Columbia though seeing large numbers of East Asian immigrants, also sees many from Eastern Europe and even places from which you wouldn’t think people immigrate such as Ireland. Ontario then has far larger numbers of bum washers than the wipe-loving BC.

Arsehole hygiene is therefore essential to COVID prevention.

A middle path can also be found in the place where east meets west – the United Arab Emirates. Here the COVID rates dropped miraculously as the government desperately made a last plunge in 2021 for the delayed Expo 2020. Vaccination drives and mask mandates also exist, but having a closed government report sanitized numbers helps too.