Three Words That Can Change Your Life (In India)

“Hey listen, I want to tell you to watch out with anything you post politically,” Kayo’s boss warned him one day out of the blue, as they stood in the passport control line at Istanbul airport, “They’re canceling the OCI of academics who post these kinds of things.”

Kayo just nodded, wondering why his boss was telling him this now of all times as they stood way outside of India.

It wasn’t until they were flying through Saudi airspace into the UAE that Kayo suddenly thought to himself how fun it would be to write “Modi mere lund” somewhere.

Particularly in the repressed climate of India where any anti-government thought was attacked with gusto, it seemed like something that should be done.

The opportunity came up oddly within India itself, once Kayo was home. As part of continuous braggery about the smallest things, Kayo was accosted over WhatsApp to give feedback about some scheme the government had put in place.

Kayo typed the magic words in reply and hit send, not much thinking of what might happen next.

Incidentally, the WhatsApp message was one that was flagged as spam and became news because it was sent to Indians overseas, as well as for some reason, Pakistanis.

The Indian government did not much care about being flagged as spam. It did however not like anti-government messages.

Kayo was pulled aside the next time he flew back into India via Delhi (the staff in Cochi and Trivandrum usually ignored directions from the central government).

Sitting in a room, he faced a man with a large handlebar moustache who was chewing paan.

“You put message saying bad word to Modi ji,” the man said, getting right to the point without dancing around.

Kayo, being of criminal mind, had a response. He showed that the message was not inflammatory since he had actually sent a dick pic to Modi.

“You don’t have PM Modi number,” the moustachioed man said with confidence.

Kayo showed that he had in fact somehow required Modi’s number (or the number of someone whose name he had saved as Modi with a familiar DP) and sent a picture of his penis, unfurled with foreskin pulled back, to it.

After due deliberation, the security staff had to let Kayo go since he had not actually broken the cyber crime law since what he had said about Modi being his lund was factually true. They did have to look into cyber sex crime laws, but that would take some time.

However, the Modi government was not the sort to let this kind of thing go. Even before Kayo was apprehended at the airport, the cyber task force had caught that a Pakistani had applied for a visa to India to visit the man – the visa was duly denied.

“How ironic, with partition and all,” the head of the cyber task force said for some reason to himself, sitting in a dark room.