Courtroom Drama

“Pennalle pennalle, karimeen pennalle pennalle,” Kayo hummed, getting off his forest green CB350 and walking up to the police station.

Despite the scenario in front of him, Kayo felt confident things would turn out well given that he and DM had already overcome already getting the latter to Kerala, giving a speech and a hospitalization.

Kayo pulled down his mint green shirt that matched the lighter green line on his mundu, hoping that the policemen had seen his matching motorcycle.

“Sarr,” a constable said to him, making him think he was already having the desired effect, “Athorru Honda Bullet anno?” Sir, is that a Honda Bullet?

“Hondaudde Bulletpolle ännu,” he answered back, stroking the area where his moustache turned into a beard. It’s the Bullet of Honda.

The constable stroked his own moustache (which did not have a beard to turn into). Both men for a moment admired the motorcycle.

“Ahem, Constable,” Kayo said, taking them both out of reverie, “Ivide orru DM perrolle allu undo?” Is there someone here named DM?

“DM…illa,” the man replied, not needing to even think.

“Oh, sorry. Perru Sasi. PP Sasikutti.”

“Aa! Avide,” the constable pointed.

Kayo walked far into the small station, past several desks towards the holding cells. He paused at the duty Sergeant’s desk – a hefty man with a handlebar moustache.

“Sergeant, njan onnu…” he gestured at the cell on the left.

The man just nodded and reached for his milky glass of tea.

“DM, what the hell happened?”

Kayo’s friend stood at the bars, his arms protruding through. He was wearing his violet shirt that Kayo had gotten him, with a mundu with a matching line. He also wore a forlorn look.

“Man, I have no idea how the hell this happened. I was sitting there with these guys at the lodge, having food and drinks. Next thing I knew, police and forest officials showed up.”

“Wait, back up. Which guys?”

DM clasped the bars and said, “They were some people that popped by at the hospital after my speech. They said let’s hang out. We got some of that coconut alchohol you guys drink, and the beef chukka with porotta.”

“And they arrested you for this?”

“I have no idea why else.”

“Sergeant,” Kayo turned to the man at the desk, “Ivenne entho karyethinna evide?” Why is he here?

“Sarr sarrinte kutukarku vendi kaatupothe erachi vangi.”

Kayo turned back to DM and said, “Man, that beef. Was it beef?”

“What the hell else could it be?”

“Where did you buy it?”

“The guys told me there was this guy that delivered so we called him.”

“Did you pay for it?”

“Yeah I did. I mean, I have Dubai money and those guys were so nice.”

“Fuck me.”

“What?”

“It was the meat of a jungle buffalo. not beef.”

“So?”

“They’re endangered.”

“Shit.”

There was silence.

“Now what?”

“Here let me speak to the guy.”

DM watched as Kayo went up to the sergeant’s desk and chatted for a while, making a lot of hand gestures half-way into the conversation.

“Looks like the arraignment is tomorrow,” Kayo said, coming back.

“What’s that?”

“The preliminary hearing. I’ll get ready.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I’m going to be the one defending you.”

“Man, I’m in godamn Kerala. Can you get me a lawyer? I’ll pay for it.”

“Man, you want a stranger, or one of my relatives – cos we should go with someone we know – defending you? I got this. I’ll get you out.”

“I want someone with a degree in law. You don’t have that.”

“I’ve read like 15 John Grisham books before I was 18 even.”

“I’m so glad for you. That doesn’t mean shit.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s fiction,” DM paused, and realizing Kayo was waiting, added, “And those books are set in the US.”

He instantly regretted saying the last part.

“Haha! And I’ve seen a tonne of courtroom dramas based in not just India, but Kerala. I got the best of both worlds.”

“Please don’t man.”

“Man, you’re my best mate. You deserve the very godamn best.”

And so, DM found himself standing in a wooden raised fenced area for the first hearing. Sitting far above him was a frumpy-looking judge. Kayo sat at a large table with several lawyers, wearing a black button shirt and white mundu with matching line.

“Order in the Court,” the bailiff said, standing next to but quite a bit lower than the judge. “Judge Vidya presiding.”

“Mr. DM, is it?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Or is it Sasi?”

“Not really ma’am, but up to you.”

The woman stared coldly at DM, pushing up her spectacles sot hat he could see her naked pupils.

“So DM alias Sasi, then?”

“Your Ladyship,” Kayo said, standing from the large table and placing his hands on its edges. “My client has no alias. He is simply DM. Like many here, he is known by a pet name given to him by the nattukar – PP Sasikutty.”

“Kutty makes sense,” the Judge said, looking now at Kayo, “But this PP Sasi part is very official. Not a pet name, really.”

“That is on the nattukar, my Lord,” Kayo said, bowing a bit too low.

“Okay, let’s get to the meat of the matter,” Judge Vidya said.

“Her Ladyship, may I request,” Kayo said, half-sitting and then standing, “We proceed this case in English, seeing as my client is not Keralite? He does not understand Malayalam.”

“Of course,” Judge Vidya said, leaning to one side to direct attention at Kayo, “That is why I was assigned to this case. I am the best English speaker of the district magistrates.”

“And of course for your dedication to justice,” Kayo said, curtsying.

DM winced and shook his head.

“Prosecution can call the first witness,” Judge Vidya said.

A small man with a salt and pepper Afro got up.

“Ma’am before we proceed,” the small man said, adjusting his circle specs, “I would like to challenge the defence attorney. He is not a lawyer.”

“Mr. Kayo?” Judge Vidya asked.

“Her Majesty, I have been appointed by Mr. DM with great trust. Please understand he is navigating a very alien court system and needs my help.”

“Did you ask for his help?” the Judge asked DM.

“Yes,” DM sighed hesitantly.

“Then we shall proceed.”

“Ma’am this is highly irregular,” the small man insisted, tugging at his black lawyer court.

“Mr. Chandi, this whole case is highly irregular and will likely be debated for a long time. May as well have one more element to have for appeal,” the Judge closed the matter. “First witness.”

A well-built man walked through one of the many side doors to the outside from the room. He had a thick black beard and was wearing a brown working man’s shirt and orange mundu that was often worn by working classes.

Kayo was next to DM and began to hum, “Oho oho, oho, inni orru puthiya mukham. Oho oho, oho, inni orru puthiya mukham…”

“The fuck is that?” DM asked him.

“Oh it means here comes a new face,” Kayo said.

As DM shook his head, the witness took the stand and spoke his piece, pointing at DM several times.

“Mr. Kayo, please translate,” the Judge said.

“So man, that guy said you at the lodge said that you could get the kattu pothe erachi and then procured it.”

“Man, that’s all lies! He’s the one who gave me the guy’s number and said the guy had beef.”

“Any cross examination?” Judge Vidya asked.

“None,” Kayo said.

“What do you mean?” DM hissed. “Ask him about what I said back.”

Kayo simply waved his hand and sat down.

“Any other witnesses for the Prosecution?” the Judge asked.

“None, Ma’am,” Chandi said, half rising.

“Mr. Kayo, please state the case summary so we can see about setting bail.”

Kayo stood up, doing a small dance step as he bowed to the judge and then faced the court.

“Your Genius and ladies,” here he paused to smile at the comely three or four ladies in attendance, “And gentlemen, my client is a bumpkin who grew up in Dubai. He has no way to discern between jungle buffalo meat and common eruma.”

Here Kayo beamed at the whole court, looking back at the judge. DM wanted to remind him that he too had grown up partially in Dubai.

“Moreover, my case will simply be that DM, or Sasikutty, not being from here, as well as the whole group at the lodge, even though they were from here, were fooled by the seller in the sense that what they got was common beef and not the exotic jungle buffalo that the group had used DM’s money to purchase.”

The court sat in stunned silence.

“Mr. Kayo, do you have proof of this?” the Judge asked.

“Your Highness, this is an open and shut case,” Kayo said, turning to look at her, “It is a mere matter of examining the meat to check the DNA. Jungle buffalo DNA is not the same as that of regular ox or buffalo.”

“But they ate all the meat,” Chako said loudly.

“Yes, but that does not destroy the evidence,” Kayo said, smiling. “It eventually…comes out.”

Everyone in court winced, thinking of the evidence. Some whose thinking processes were slower took a bit longer to make the face; but eventually, everyone did.

“Have you done this?” the Judge asked.

“Yes I have!”

“Mr. DM’s?”

DM was puzzled since he had never allowed such a thing to happen.

“No Your Excellency. See, though the lot of those chaps were in on the cow-spiracy,” here Kayo paused to one again look at the ladies in court that were buxom, “I knew I would find among them one honest person. I did, got his consent, and had his defecation examined by the local lab.”

“Objection, Your Honour,” Chako said, getting up. “This evidence was never mentioned before now.”

“It’s DNA evidence Mr. Chako,” Judge Vidya said. “Very easy to verify. Mr. Kayo, proceed.”

“We won’t need any further process on this case,” Kayo smiled, walking up and standing next to his friend in the docket while holding a white sheet, “The DNA evidence is clear – it was common beef.”

The courtroom erupted in chatter.

“Order in the court!” Judge Vidya said, slamming the gavel and reaching for the paper that Kayo handed her.

Kayo stood next to DM with his hands behind his back, smiling.

“Habeus corpus,” he said to DM, winking.

DM was quite sure his friend did not know what that meant.

“The evidence is in order,” Judge Vidya said. “Mr. DM, you are free to go.”

DM sighed in relief and began to step down from the docket.

“But one thing sir,” she called to him as he was mid-step, “We will need to verify this, so you will need to give some…evidence.”

DM’s sphincter squeezed the moment he heard these words. The price of freedom, he thought.

Outside the court, DM stood next to Kayo as the latter gave a press conference with his motorcycle in the background so that it would be in all the photos and videos.

“My client orru simple man,” Kayo was saying, “Beef viche allu orru chadiyenna. We should all be cautious, and have environmental sustainability in mind.”